Jackie's Journey: Calm or Chaos?!

I’m minding my own business…reading through Proverbs… and “quarrelsome wife” keeps popping up on the pages!

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife”. Proverbs 21: 9 

Just ten verses later…”Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome or ill-tempered wife.”  And in the next few chapters…”Better to live…” an exact quote of Proverbs 21:9!!

How important is peace to you?

With chaos all around us (wives and mothers), what would it take for us to maintain a calm peace in our homes?  We just celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday. A day set aside to encourage us in our commitment to our families. We are reminded of our role and responsibility to be all God has called us to be.  It takes two to quarrel and whether you live with a good listener or an argumentative person, it requires your participation to induce a “quarrel”.  No great revelation, but a great challenge for those of us who have our own opinion and think that opinion has value enough to be verbalized.

Most attempts at resolving an argument are fought on the battleground of confessing the sin of the other person, rather than acknowledging our own.  No one ever wins an argument!  Our energy, limited as it often is, is spent recklessly.  Our focus is on our need to be right or to have a sense of personal value or to correct a false accusation, rather than the need to know God’s perspective and stepping into the classroom of life and growing-up!  

What value does our argument have in the light of eternity?

 How will it profit His life in us? 

In the heat of the moment the issue seems important, maybe even life-changing.  Our perspective is often clouded by our self-life, personal desires and expectations.  We are held captive by a force (Satan) pushing us to get our way or have the understanding we think we deserve from our husbands to validate our worth.  Self is demanding its rightful position in the relationship.  Satan stands back and just laughs!

God’s design from the beginning has been to use our inability to resolve issues to draw us to a place where we hear His voice alone.  There is no argument worth sacrificing our peace with Him; no right or expectation is as important as pleasing Him in all our thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions.  Our weakness in being able to discern the greater need of identifying the real source of our disagreement and resolving issues more quickly, demonstrates our immaturity. “For everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.”  Phil 2:21

Laying down our demand at the moment and sensing His quiet voice of peace in the chaos of our situation is what His life in us is programmed to do!  As mothers, it is easy to lose focus temporarily, and none of us is immune to its pull, but the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard our hearts (plural) and minds (plural) when we choose to bring Phil. 2:1-3 into focus in that moment of decision before the climatic altercation gets a foothold.  Moms, this promise we can “take to the bank”… every time!

The promise is the “God of Peace will be with us” if we put into practice that which we have learned or received or heard or seen from Him.  Our little ones (and big ones!) are watching and listening to see if we “walk our talk” in the things we say to them to resolve their issues when they are arguing. 

Do they see God at work or hypocrisy with no hope?

Finally, sisters, “if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ or any comfort from His love or any fellowship with the Spirit or tenderness and compassion, then make His joy complete by being like-minded, having the same spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition and conceit but in humility [not self-defense or rationalizations] consider the other person more important than yourself.”

 However difficult this exercise is when in the thick of an argument, this is the admonition and solution to avoid whatever we feel is more important than maintaining our peace with Him!

Our choice:  Peace or Chaos!

Which will you choose?

~Jackie Johnson - I am a former tribal missionary to the Kuna Indians on the Colombian border in Central America.  Fluent in several languages, my husband and I currently pastor a Spanish-speaking church in Southern California.  My passion is discipling and equipping dedicated young women for life, marriage, motherhood, and beyond. I am the mother of two daughters and the grandmother of three Princesses and four young Knights. 

What to get your husband for Valentine’s Day

“My lover is mine, and I am his” Song of Solomon 2:16

Valentine’s Day is so filled with expectations for me!  My love language is “gifts”, so I am anxiously awaiting the perfect gift from my husband that shows that he has listened to me, he has taken notes, he has read my crazy, not-even-sure-what-I-want mind and got me the perfect gift that he has exquisitely wrapped.  Yeah, that doesn’t ever happen.  But for me that is OK this year!  I can get buried and disappointed with the expectations, but this Valentine’s Day I am coming into it with a fresh perspective.

Instead I am going to focus on him.  He always says,  “Remember to think of me, just as much as the kids”!  He says this is what all husbands want.

Okay, I think, what does that look like?

As we prepare for Valentine’s Day and showing our husbands love, I want to go over the Word WIFE and put some meat on those letters.

 W= Our husbands want us to be Wordly-wise.  

When you think of yourself as a wife, would you say you are wise in the scripture?  One gift we can give our husbands is to know what the Bible says about our role as wives.  Not only know it, but live it out.

If I know what the Bible says about being a good wife, I have everything I need to do the job.  If I am walking with the Lord, I know my husband will feel it. I will be praying for him and lifting him up daily.  I have to make sure that I am filled with God’s word daily and use it as a filter for the things of the world.  Because I can’t do it alone!  I want to be the best wife I can be and I can’t do it without GOD!  I can really be ugly on my own! 

I have to ask myself the hard question : How wordly-wise am I when it comes to being a wife?  Do I know and follow all verses that God has given me?  When it comes to being a wife, do I know what God’s charge is to me? 

I have put together a bunch of scripture that tells us about what God says about being a wife.  Listed them for you. Gen. 2:18; Proverbs 31:10-31; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:3-5; Eph. 5:33; Gen. 2:24;  Eph. 5:21-31

Thought to ponder: the OPPOSITE of Wordly-wise is Worldly-wise.

  I = Our husbands want us to be Intentional. 

I am so intentional with my kids.  Aren’t you? I am planning out their activities and their parties, their entire lives!  I am always trying to find ways to tie their heartstrings to mine and that takes so much time and energy.  I have to plan out my day and be intentional with those moments that I have. I am looking for a key to their hearts. 

But am I being intentional with my husband?  Am I planning my day with him in mind?  The gift my husband wants from me this Valentines Day is to plan on how to love him.  What if I were intentional with each moment I had with him? How much would that bless him and make him feel loved?

For Christmas this year, I did the 12 days of Christmas for my husband.  Twelve days before Christmas I began with something each day for him.  3 types of hot chocolate . . . 4 sleeves of golf balls . . . 7 chapters of a book . . . 8 cuffs to wear. . .  9 snacks for work . . . a 10 minute massage . . . 12 socks for his feet, you get the idea.  And you know what the outcome was? My husband LOVED that I thought of him each day.  I was intentional with my time and he noticed.

Thought to ponder: the OPPOSITE of Intentional is IGNORANT to his needs.

 F= Our husbands want us to be FUN!

I want to be the fun mom on the block.   If you are like me, I am constantly thinking of what would be fun for my kids.  I love when they have smiles on their faces.  I find joy in the things that bring them joy.  But my husband is a grown man, he can take care of himself.  I don’t need to worry about him.  He should be thinking of me and how to bring me joy, right?

I know I don’t think that much about my husband and the fun he may or may not be having.  My husband married me first because I was a Godly woman, but secondly because I was fun!  I think there is a degree of the fun button for each husband.  Because in a study of men, their number two need was for us to be a “recreational playmate”.  You are all probably wondering what number #1 was:  Sex!  What exactly does “recreational playmate” mean?  According to the book His Needs, Her Needs by William F. Harley, “A wife needs to develop an interest in the recreational activities that our husbands enjoy and tries to become proficient at them.  If we can’t enjoy them, we need to encourage him to consider other activities that they can enjoy together.  We want to become his favorite recreational companion and he will associate us with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.  We want him to want to be with us, because our #2 need is conversation.  If we are his recreational playmate, we will get our needs met because our husbands open up and want to talk to us.”

When I was single, I learned to play golf so that I could be his recreational playmate.  Today, I can’t afford the 5 hours it takes to play a round, but we do love to get away and travel any opportunity that we can.  My husband loves date nights, too!  That speaks love to him.  What does your husband like to do?  Can you do this with him?

Though to ponder:  The opposite of FUN is fatigued.  It is impossible to be fun if I am too tired.

  E = Our husbands need an encouraging cheerleader!

I am my kids’ cheerleader.  How about you?  I am  always encouraging them to do their best and helping them through situations that are hard.  I want them to know that no matter what “I’ve got their back”.  I cheer them on in sports, activities, Christmas plays and academics, just to name a few.  I put notes in their lunch boxes, hug them for each mealtime and talk with them as we tickle their back at night.  I listen to them and help them along the way.  What happens when our young men won’t talk to us – only grunt or say “fine”?  What do we do?  We read books on how to draw them out!  Also what does mama bear do when someone hurts our kids or makes fun of them.  What do we do when their reputation is threatened?  We are the ones ready to fire all guns at their accusers.

So now if I think on my husband, do I do all these things for my husband?  Do I listen to him when he is struggling? Do I give him my full attention or am I doing something else?  Do we write him love notes – love emails – put them in his lunchbox?  Do I tickle his back at night to listen to him and encourage him?  So many women say – “but they won’t talk to me!”  Are we drawing them out?  Do we protect their reputation when other people talk about our husbands or are we the ones that are trashing our husband’s rep?  Do we hang out with people that do?  

We no longer can afford to take our husbands for granted.  Remember 65% of all men, Christian or not, will have an affair before the age of forty. Remember there are beautiful, bright, charming or caring women in the workforce in big numbers who are better at seducing your husband than your husband is at being able to resist.  That alone should keep us from taking them for granted.  And many of these affairs start with an encouraging word – something he isn’t getting at home.  It seems harmless to them to love it, but it is dangerous.

Thought to ponder:  The opposite of an encouraging cheerleader is an EXHAUSTING NAGGER! Proverbs 21:19; 27:15; 25:14

Ultimately, my husband wants a helper – a lover – and a friend.  So this Valentine’s Day, I am committed to be his WIFE and think on him as much as I do the children.  Who is with me?

This weekend is Valentines Day!  Won’t you be a Godly wife, intentionally plan something fun for you to do so that you can tell him you are his biggest fan!!!!